Demon Cycle Limericks
Those of you following the most recent contest thread probably noticed Dani’s contest suggestion:
I think you should do a Demon Cycle limerick contest.
Here’s my entry:
There once was a Warder from Miln
Who warmed up his pants in a kiln
He heard it from Cob
Who had a cold nob
And it kept his John Thomas from chill’n
We both laughed our asses off about that, and Dani spent the rest of the night looking immensely pleased with her cleverness. Several others on the comment thread agreed that was a great idea for a contest.
Of course, it would seem like nepotism and insider trading if Dani were to win the mini-contest, so the contest to suggest the next contest is still ongoing. In the meantime, though, I keep thinking of funny limericks, and I’m willing to wager some of you are, too. It would bring such joy into my life to get to read them.
You can place your limericks in the comments section. I’ll pick a favorite or two and send signed Warded Man paperbacks to the authors with their limericks hand written above my signature. I may also write some of the funnier ones on the bookplates I send out to people. I am always trying to think of clever things to write on them.
Don’t fret too much about keeping your limericks clean. According to Wikipedia, Limericks are by their very nature obscene:
Gershon Legman, who compiled the largest and most scholarly anthology, held that the true limerick as a folk form is always obscene, and cites similar opinions by Arnold Bennett and George Bernard Shaw, describing the clean limerick as a periodic fad and object of magazine contests, rarely rising above mediocrity. From a folkloric point of view, the form is essentially transgressive; violation of taboo is part of its function.
I’ll start:
There once was a girl from Cutter’s Hollow
Whose nethers had fallen quite fallow
She found a young man
She thought’d lend a hand
But it seemed he would much rather wallow
Well, I’m not really good in limericks, because of the rhymes. I hate rhyming, because I’m not able to do it properly. I’m like William the bloody 😉
Anyway, here’s my try.
Once there was a painted man.
The Corelings, away, they ran.
He taught the people to fight
and beat their terrible fright.
Together they say: Yes, we can!
See? What a bad one…
As yound Rojer saw Arlen fight,
he thought by himself: What a sight!
There was now one question for him:
“Is he even tatooed on his thing?”
Only Leesha saw that in the night.
Okay, old punchline. 😀
Because I’m ill and stuck at home I couldn’t help but write another – sorry! Also, be prepared for some serious butchery of the English language!
A short, song-flavoured, limerickal history.
[Or]
A long and arduous edit.
As the demons arose from the core,
in numbers ne’er witnessed before,
desecrating the land –
alagai Ka’s demand –
’till they’re faced with the Wards they abhor.
The Science of men became scattered
t’the winds, as their armies were shattered.
But the magic of old,
down years told and retold;
a bastion, against which death battered.
As the Wards of old give slight reprieve –
mankind allowed slight room to breathe.
Yet the world becomes small;
without succour to call
one must sleep in a circle’s tight weave.
But as strong steel is forged in hot fire;
Deliverance will climb from the pyre.
A bright hope in the night
chose to rise up and fight,
t’make the world, for some, seem much less dire.
Marking his skin, taking battle
to the demons who treat us as cattle.
Saving lives by the score
teaching them t’kill more,
With nought but his horse as his chattel.
So when night closes in ’round your camps –
and you check the last words, dim the lamps –
give a thought to young Bales,
heart of numerous tales,
as your pipes receive their final tamps.
For I’m trying to say with this song,
Arlen’s meeting with Leesha? Quite wrong.
Alone fighting demons,
For numerous seasons,
Hed’ve ne’er even lasted /that/ long.
Just flicking through these, I noticed the comment from Lisa Childs about my limerick 🙂 Thankyou, and thanks for noticing the typo lol
Darnit, I have a typo too [probably more’n one, but still….] should read, on the last line:
he’d’ve ne’er even lasted /that/ long.
First of all, I’m sorry for all of the possible nonsense and typos I’ve done (below) – my only excuse is that I’m from Poland and I was having a serious conflict of pronunciation/written word. Besides that, I think that I’ve make a fine limerick(I hope:P):
There once was a girl named Leesha
that was lookin’ fo’ someone to please ‘er
with the help of some couzi
she’d felt so much cosy
that you’d do ‘er ’til sunrise, my dear sir
^What do you think about it, the Great Ones?:d
I have yet anouther riddle:-
there once was a man called Arlen
he used to be such a darlin
he lost his mum
and stopped being fun
all because of a nasty old coreling
Just realized I purloined Dani’s Cob-nob rhyme. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. The limericks are all mixed up in my head. I revised the affected limerick —
Inevera and Leesha fought over Jardir
It’d be funny if he turned out queer
He might fancy the Tender
Steal kisses from Rojer
Should we start calling him jardiniere?
There once was a fiddler named Rojer
Who could charm demon to toddler to codger,
With the demons entranced, he turned to romance,
And got it from Jardir’s niece and hot daughter.
Last three now
There once was a woman called renna
Who was interested in tattoos in henna
She had two sisters
Several more blisters
She wasn’t even worth a tenner.
There once was a feisty herb witch,
Whose mother was a complete bitch
She made a lot of paper
She blew demons to vapour
But her father was very rich
There once lived a fat man
Of the name Abban
He fought in a war
Then fell off a wall
Stumbling is now all he can.
i meant last three from me lol
Arrrgh. I thought I had it out of my system man….but here I am, least bi-daily, to check on how the competition is going! There’s been some wicked ones which have made me chuckle, but also put two more ideas in my head. May’s well chuck’em in the hat, eh?
Answering the eternal question:
A sleep-walker wanders far from bed,
with naught but a cap upon his head.
He crosses the wards,
but the fiery hordes,
feared his warded truncheon so they fled.
———————————————————-
And favourite of my single stanza limericks-with-pretentious-names;
Unexpected Autumnal Foliage:
Walking through the Hollow comes Halfgrip,
Entertaining crowds with a back-flip,
But his trews were untied
and the cold air belied
something Rojer would boast he could equip!
There once was a lad from the Brook
For whom the ladies shivered and shook
When they got in his trousers
They’d stay there for hours
And Warding was all that it took.
Jonathan …. dude, that rocks.
All the limericks have rocked. There has been much laughter in the Brett household over this. I will pick a couple for prizes as soon as I can come up for air. Drowning in work at the moment, but don’t doubt that I am reading and loving every one.
Keep ’em coming!
Already have the book but I just can’t stop. Need to join limericks anonymous…
Gotta say there’s some hot men in these books
Men with talent, with wit, with good looks
Arlen – dark and commanding
Gared – tall and imposing
Makes all tingly girls’ crannies and nooks
Flip the pages for women to fancy
Eat your heart out Jolie, Fox or Halle
They got nothing on Leesha
Renna or Inevera
How would Bruna look in a bikini?
The mind demon is so very scary
On top of it all it’s quite hairy
But Jardir would much rather
Have a demon encounter
Than go home and be nagged by his honey.
There once was a hubby named Erny
Whose wife made him feel weak and tiny
But he grew a huge pair
Grabbed the shrew by the hair
Now he’s tough and he’s firm and he’s manly.
There was once an old healer named Bruna
Who repelled feisty men all the sooner
With blinding powder to the eyes
And a boot between the thighs
In response to the way that they mooned her.
This one is a bit on the wrong side but it made me chuckle;
Arlen Bales from the Hollow
couldn’t get Renna to swallow
he gave her some strife
so she pulled out her knife
and left him there to wallow
* I Read back through the others before I posted to check no one had already done a similar one and noticed the opening starter had 2 of the same rhyming words (but different content) – didn’t copy I promise 🙂
I will try think of more as it is quite addictive and my first attempt wasn’t a proper limerick.
There was an old hag named Bruna
She should’ve died much much sooner
She got down with a demon
It soon lost it’s feeling
Eyes never again saw it’s doo-da
Elona’s back windows are boarded
For which she was soon rewarded
When all are working
With a coreling she starts jerking
But it turns out her condoms are warded
Has anyone got any 1 syllable words for a demon?
Just finished The Great Bazaar and got into a limerick-writing mood…
The Man was first painted or warded
A spear in the desert he wielded
Be the sun rise or set
The ordeal shall be met
And now war in the daylight gets started.
The Painted Man’s journey is arduous
And becoming increasingly dangerous
Be he demon or man
With some courage he can
Thwart the core and emerge all victorious
In Krasia life must be quite hard
If you’re strong you must fight not just ward
And if not you’re khaffit
No respect, not a bit
And the diet is strict so no lard
If you find yourself out after dark
Ditch your dog coz he’ll make noise and bark
Then the demons’ll come
And your ass will be chum
So run fast, go ahead, on your mark!
A little bird told me today is your birthday
I hope it’s all merry and joyful and gay
Don’t forget to eat cake
Ice cream — all you can take
Have a drink, yes indulge, and go play.
A birthday limerick…
there once was a demon from the core
whose crouch was awfully sore
for he was made from rock
and his balls did swing and knock
oh how loud he could roar
there once was a merchant who was fat
abban would much rather eat than chat
yet he enjoyed life
for he had many pretty wives
and he never had to go fight in demon combat
I already posted one, but here’s another.
There was a man from the Krasian Fort
Whose shame was that he was short
But when it came to his manhood
At that he was damn good
And he was every girl’s favorite sport.
Here’s one about an actual character.
Jardir was the Savior, it’s true
And his spear looked shiny and new
When he thrust it out
The girls would shout
My how they wanted it, too.
I just saw that mine got posted repeatedly. My apologies to everyone. At the time, I thought my internet was malfunctioning because they didn’t post so I tried a few times. I’m really sorry. I thought they didn’t even get posted at all until now.
Okay, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it….
A girl from the greater forbidding,
Was running an’ sliding and skidding,
Through the woods of a night,
Though none knew of her plight,
To be honest, who was she kidding?
She’d tried to quell demons with her tune
The melody – sweet – none could impugn,
But a single discord
Lost the minds of the horde
and her innards, about, would soon be strewn.
Through the mists came a motley’d man,
In his hand (digits short of a span),
He brandished his bow
To continue the show
His apprentice foolishly began.
As the creatures all drew back in pain,
Rojer took her aside to explain,
This grand show of power
Sparked fire in his tower
Which could ne’er be quite quenched by the rain.
Being thankful for the intercession
but less for his lack of discretion
She motioned with her first
(Rojer soon got the gist)
And no-one saw him for the next four days, after which he required treatment for some severe blisters.